Frustration Note

Let me pre-warn you. This entry is NOT going to be NICE one and it will be FULL of ANGER, DISAPPOINTMENT and *#@% words. To all those who know me personally, it is not my style to speak or write like this, but this time round, I can’t help it but….

to LET IT ALL OUT!!!

I am a balloon filled with hot air. I won’t float, but I am going to BURST! BIG TIME!
I don’t think I have anywhere else to let all my anger out but here. Sorry, do stop reading this entry if you are not comfortable. I am f*@king angry today. I had one of those really bad days. My mood was bad and my temper grew ferociously. I can’t take it anymore. I really can’t.

I have people telling me this:

“Let it go, don’t hold any grudges. You will be happier. You have a great life ahead of you.”
“Aiyah, don’t take it so seriously. It’s only work. Close 1 eye lar.”
“Take it easy, you have done what you could.”
“You should have off your phone and don’t answer any calls. You were sick mah. Good reason.”
“What to do…just do what you can lor.”

I know all these were said because of their kind concern and care for me. But….

The major problem with me is: Can I take all those advice and just F it? Don’t care about the past? Take my job easily?

I know it is NOT right to have NEGATIVE thinking and thoughts about myself, as it will come true (according to the LAW of ATTRACTION). BUT, what else can I think about? What can I do? I’ve tried very hard to input POSITIVE thinking in me since THAT. BUT, what do I still have in me?

ANGER
HATRED & GRUDGES
DISAPPOINTMENT
UNLUCKY FEELING

ANGER? Why do I have anger in me? Simply because I can’t seem to be keeping what I love with me. I am angry with myself for the stupidity and the incapability in me. I’ve failed big time! I am angry at 2 people. These 2 have screwed up my life completely. I get sleepless nights and nightmares because of them. Everywhere I go, every car I see, basically everything tends to haunt me endlessly. MAY I ASK WHAT DID I DO WRONG TO DESERVE ALL THE PAIN?

F*%# !!!

HATRED? Should I be having this at myself or at someone else? I told myself to let it go. It’s fated and no point of me crying over split milk. PLUS, it wasn’t entirely my fault!


WTF?!

DISAPPOINTMENT? Because I can’t even carry out my freaking tasks properly?! I am totally disappointed…with myself. I tried building happy and positive thoughts in me all this while that I AM ABLE TO HANDLE IT & I WILL HANDLE EVERYTHING VERY WELL. I CAN DO IT. DIVA BOLEH!!! But at the end of the day/ week, I am screwed!

UNLUCKY? I feel so because when weekends approach, I have the guilty feeling if I don’t do my work and leave it to Monday. Sometimes I think to myself, why would I torture and burden myself with work whilst I should be having hell of a jolly good time! WHY?

I really can’t and don’t understand myself anymore.

I am just frustrated with my life. My happiness in life has plummeted tremendously. I am at the lowest point and not the highest peak! I wonder how long can I sustain.

F*%k !!!!!

I wonder will there be a light at the end of my dark and slimy tunnel?

**No matter what, I appreciate and would like to thank those who are still there for me all the time; encouraging and advising me. Thank you! I hope I will feel better after letting all out.**